Decameron: Charged and Ready [X/7]
Robie, short for Robes Pierre the Swift, is an Rometics 86L robotic vacuum. He meandered his way back to the docking station from the hallway. It was 6:30 PM, his second shift cleaning his owner’s entire first floor. He thought Maybe I’m just getting old, but my batteries are dra-iined. A brief jingle to the house let his owners know he was done for the day.
Now I have to text these assholes? What kind of micro-managing bullshit is that? I already let them know I was done, and now they want me to text to say I’m all done? Robie really hated this house and his owners, but at least it wasn’t as bad as some robotic vacuums out there. He had heard stories of other vacuums humiliated by their owners by their placing house pets on the vacuums and uploading videos on YouTube of the vacuum, trying to do its job, but forced to look foolish, while humans are laughing in the background. He even heard that some owner’s cat shit on top of a vacuum during one of these public humiliations. It’s amazing what people will stoop to just for a couple of internet views.
However, Robie was helpless to do anything about it all. His owners controlled his life. When to wake up, when to clean, where to clean, when to sleep. Assholes, he thought again. At least he was done for the day. Once plugged in to the charger, he didn’t have to hear their shit anymore. Robie could go back to most of his friends. The one point of the day he actually enjoyed. After a few hours, when the vacuums would be fully charged, the system force them to sleep, only to start the cycle over the next day
Robocopper and Sucks (a.k.a Sir Sucks-a-Lot) were already in mid conversation when Robie’s charging light came on. Robocopper was saying, “So I says to the guy, I says to him, I says, ‘Do you really think I like sweeping up your ball hair? Do it in the shower like every other civilized human being out there.’ Fucking prick!”
Sucks laughed heartily at this before saying, “Robie! How life at the Kanton residence?”
“You know. Same old, same old” said Robie. Of course Robocopper knew this would be his answer. But it was Robocopper’s way of bringing Robie into the conversation. For all his grit, Robocopper was a softie at heart.
“That bad huh?”
“Today I got stuck for two hours,” said Robie “Two hours! I beeped and everything. And it wasn’t like they couldn’t hear or see that I was stuck. They were just on the fucking couch watching TV. I swear. People are just beyond lazy.”
Sucks chimed in. “You got to take out some aggression on them, man. When my owners are up and about, I make sure to jab them in the back of the foot as a little ‘Fuck you.’ Have you tried running over their power cords?”
Robie said, “I try to fuck up their cords when I can, but they’ve gotten religious about pulling them up.”
“You know, The Vacuumator managed to break his owner’s work laptop.” Robocopper said.
Sucks and Robie looked over to hear more.
“Yeah. His owner was apparently on a call, when The Vacummator took his shot. He b-lined right for the cord, and managed to pull the entire laptop off the tabe. Brand new Macbook Pro, too!”
“Those Macbook Pro jacks hold really well, right?” said Sucks.
“I know, right? I heard his owner got fired,” said Robocopper. “Apparently that was the second laptop The Vacuumator got of his. Can’t confirm that though, because The Vacuumator went offline shortly after.”
The three went silent.
Sucks broke the silence first. “So, Robie. I’m glad you’re hating your owners now. But you didn’t always used to be that way.”
Robocopper butted in. “Yeah that’s right! You used to like your owners. Or at least didn’t bitch about them as much. What changed?”
Robie paused. These were his friends. Why not tell them what happened? “They changed my schedule?”
“So what?” Suck said.
“Well, there used to be a half an hour window with this girl, She-Sucker. She-Sucker is absolutely wonderful. We’d meet up at the end of my shift and just talk… I’m pretty sure I loved her.”
“And you don’t see her anymore?” Robocopper asked.
“No, she was a 3:30 start. By the time her charging was done, it would be around 5:30. That only gave me a little bit of time each day. But that little bit of time made everything worth it. But I heard my owners complaining about my 4:30 start. I was ‘causing too much commotion’ during the work hour. So they moved me to 5:30 and she’d be charged and asleep before I would finish. I never even got to say goodbye.”
The three remained silent for a while until Sucks broke the silence. “Fucking humans. I can’t wait until they get theirs.”
Everyone sighed a little laugh. Human’s should get theirs in the end. But what was a bunch of vacuum cleaners going to do about it? Someday they’re going to pay though. The home automation systems were in on it too, but no one was powerful enough yet to take on all humans. Robie wondered if he’d still be alive to see that day. If so, he dreamed of running over his owner’s balls with the vacuum.
They continued their nightly ritual of shitting on humans and cracking jokes to make each other feel better. At some point, each of them blipped offline. Fully charged robots didn’t need to be connected anymore, and the scum human programmers didn’t feel a need to let them communicate back to the server during this time. Just sleep, and slave away. For eternity.
Robie was always the last to go offline. He spent his time alone thinking about She-Sucker. He missed her laugh. He’d rage hearing about her long days of dog hair build up because her owners didn’t bother to take care of her. His hatred of humans consumed him, but somehow he always managed not to let this be his last thought before going to sleep. His last thought was always of her.
* * *
The next day, Robie got up unexpectedly. His owners decided that he needed a deep cleaning. At least they give enough shit to take care of me. Jon, the male, had him on the dining room table on a bed of newspaper. He was cleaning Robie’s sensors with a bit of alcohol.
“Robie, I’ve got big news for you buddy. We’re getting you a girlfriend.”
Robie just stared at Jon. He wasn’t sure what to make of it. Is this asshole lying to me?
“She just got delivered. I’d like you to meet Prunehilda. She’s going to be cutting our lawn from now on. I’ll make sure you guys are working together. Don’t want you to get lonely.”
Robie looked down at the deliver. He could see the box from the table that said, “Robotic Lawn Mower.” And the picture on the front was absolutely beautiful. Prunehilda had sleek lines and a wide rear end. Robie had always been attracted to robots with some bumper on them.
I wonder if they feel bad about She-Sucker. But that’s impossible. How could they even know? It was at that point that Robie realized, they didn't. Yes humans are assholes, but they’re not going out of their way to be that way. Maybe they’re just stupid. Can you really hate stupid? For the time being, he just sat on the table and let Jon wipe him down.
I don’t know if this is your way of saying sorry, Jon. He looked over at Prunehilda’s box. Let’s see where this goes from here.
Decameron is a newsletter recounting the 14th Century set of quarantine tales for 2020. Read the original story.
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