Decameron: Dang [VI/5]
The friends met for a walk in the park, six feet astride from one another as they caught the air and saw one another for the first time in months. Forese had been growing out his mustache, or rather attempting to, with a wispy yet still pronounced growth appearing beneath his nose. Giotto had been scruffy before this all started, and so his experimentation was instead with self-applied hair care, first an ill-thought-out-emotions-induced bleaching and then, the prior week, an erstwhile attempt at a trim.
“Forese,” said Giotto, “it’s so nice to see you, but my god what have you done to your face?” he chided.
“My old friend,” said Forese in riposte, “it’s good to see you as well, but seeing your hair I have to know when you first began dating The Tiger King.”
“You’re one to talk,” said Giotto, “because you look like an albino who got heavily involved in the 1970s pornographic film scene with that mustache.”
“Did you do that to your hair yourself?” asked Forese, “Is that a self-administered mullet wound?”
“Of course, but I know you did that to yourself, with that Wikifeet moderator-ass face you’re walking around with.”
“Your haircut has a degree from University of Central Florida.”
“Yes well your mustache was waitlisted at Lehigh.”
“I loved your hair in the original Broadway production of Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Cats”
“You have the upper lip of an extra considered too ugly to play a rebel in the original Star Wars”
“You look like the guy in the “before” image in an infomercial for hair plugs”
“True, but at least I do not look like the "Before" picture in a news segment about a serial flasher apprehended by police in Queens.”
“You got one Joe Dirt looking dome, my dude.”
“You’re like the the villain of an after school special about voyeurs.”
“You would be played by Mel Gibson in a movie.”
“Present day or 80s?”
“Present day.”
“Yeah, well, William H. Macy turned down playing you because he could not bear to don that stache.”
“Hey, I learned to grow a stache from the best,” said Forese. “Was your haircut instructional video made by Britney in 2007?”
“Now now,” said Giotti, “Let’s leave her out of it, you K-Fed looking dingus.”
And the friends continued on in this way until they reached their destination, two ugly-ass dudes who looked mega raunchy roaming the park. It was the best day of their partners’ months because they did not have to look at their busted faces.
Decameron is a newsletter recounting the 14th Century set of quarantine tales for 2020. Read the original story.
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