Decameron: Fixer Upper [X/5]

Welcome back, you’re watching Fixer Upper on HGTV. Later, stay tuned for another episode of Fixer Upper.

When we last left off, Cynthia and Santiago were trying to figure out what to do about their troubles in the garden of their brand new Minnesota home.

“I mean, why add the enclosed deck if the garden can’t work year-round?”

To figure that out for them, we brought in local gardening expert Brian to weigh in on getting their winter wonderland off the ground — or out of it.

“It’s very, very hard to make a garden survive in Minnesota winters. It’s like impossible actually.”

But where there’s a will, there’s a way. Brian works out an arrangement with the happy couple: he’ll see if he can work a little of his magic to get them a garden, and in exchange if he pulls it off he can spend a night of passion with Cynthia.

“Listen, it’s unconventional, but we really think the garden will add a lot of property value and honestly, every dollar we save is important.”

Plus, the Santiago is skeptical.

“A garden? In January? Sure.”

So with the bargain struck, Brian gets to work.

The first thing any good garden needs is good, robust soil. Brian is adding some soft, loamy soil that will provide the nutrients and value that a garden needs to grow.

The second thing is water, but not too much water.

“The biggest issue I see in my line of work is overwatering”

Brian is laying down a hose on a timer in order to guarantee that this garden gets just the right amount of water it needs to ride out the winter.

The third thing the garden needs is light. Brian’s making sure that the garden isn’t planted in the shade, so that the plants he’s adding will have a lot of warm, pleasant sunlight to soak in!

And lastly, Brian brings in the finishing touches: a necromancer who can enchant the garden so that it blooms in winter.

“Oh, yeah, this is pretty much the only reason this is gonna work.”

Brian doesn’t always subcontract out this part and says for most installations, typical fertilizer will do, and he insists that this is only necessary for difficult jobs—

“I really want to have sex with the lady.”

— but you shouldn’t hesitate to call in professionals on tough home improvement jobs.

With the garden planted and in full bloom in the height of January, when we come back it’s time for… the full reveal.

“Oh my god. How did you… it was supposed to be impossible”

“Oh no, honey”

When we come back from this commercial break with more Fixer Upper.

Decameron is a newsletter recounting the 14th Century set of quarantine tales for 2020. Read the original story.

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