Decameron: For Miracle, A Reckoning [IX/3]
RARE MEDICAL MIRACLE’S TERMINATION ANGERS FUNDAMENTALIST GROUPS
Filstrato Tortellini, Associated Press
FLORENCE (AP) — In a shocking turn of events, the world’s first pregnant man induced a late term abortion, angering many fundamentalist organizations. Mr. Calandrino, a 32-year-old man from Florence, was confirmed to be the first male with no uterus to be found pregnant. Mr. Calandrino’s doctor, a Master Simone also of Florence, offered this quote.
“It’s almost entirely unbelievable that a man with no female reproductive systems could become pregnant. Like, super, super unbelievable. You’d almost have to be an absolute idiot with no conception of sex or human anatomy to actually believe it. And yet, life, uh, found a way.”
Master Simone has been Mr. Calandrino’s doctor since friends brought in the ailing man. One of these friends, Bruno, had this to say:
“Cal had eaten like a whole plate of tacos and was feeling really off for a few days. So, we took him to my uncle - uh, a doctor - and had him checked out. Definitely not taco-related. He’s totally pregnant for realsies.”
Calandrino was rushed to urgent care, where doctors and medical students examined the marvel. Despite the rarity of the case, experts determined that the risk posed to Calandrino’s life justified a late-term abortion. Medical staff at St. Scherzo’s Hospital administered a procedure to Mr. Calandrino, despite his lack of comprehensive healthcare.
After a series of tests, Mr. Calandrino was found to be no longer pregnant.
“I’m just glad this whole thing is over. I just want to go home and play the new Assassin’s Creed game. Boy, my girlfriend is going to be surprised when I tell her what happened today.”
As our correspondent left the hospital, Mr. Buffalmacco, another friend of Mr. Calandrino, had this to say:
“He wasn’t actually pregnant. It was probably just that mondo platter of tacos. But it was a hellacious prank, bro. For realsies.”
Decameron is a newsletter recounting the 14th Century set of quarantine tales for 2020. Read the original story.
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