Decameron: Our Business Is Here For You In This Challenging Time (III/3)
March 22, 2020
To: New User
From: admin@heaven.ly
Subject: Welcome to Heaven.ly!
Hello, fellow faithful.
Heavenly is a platform for churches, congregations and fellowship groups to communicate remotely. We created Heavenly because the Lord’s flock is vast, and we believe in our hearts that the internet can bridge so many gaps and connect us all within the house of God.
With your new account, you’ve got all the basic features, including unlimited sermon video streaming, the ability to join a Flock of your choosing, your ability to set a recurring monthly tithe, and so on. We look forward to worshiping together. If you can’t find your preacher on here, our helpful search features can link you up with one of your choosing. If you’re a preacher, you’ve got all sorts of basic broadcasting features right at your fingertips.
Bless you,
Floyd and Bethany Fitzpatrick
March 29, 2020
To: Users
From: admin@heaven.ly
Subject: Heaven.ly’s Coronavirus Response
Hello, fellow faithful.
Over the past several weeks, congregations around our country have faced unprecedented challenges in the wake of COVID-19. To help our users, we’re upgrading everyone to a PRO membership absolutely free. You’ve now unlocked:
4K High Definition Sermon Streaming
The cap on 30 minute sermons is lifted, your homilies can last all day!
All Preachers have unlocked Tithing features, meaning your congregation can set up a monthly or weekly payment to fund your church.
Unlimited Flocks: for multi-faith families, now a single user can be a member of as many Flocks as they want!
End-to-end encryption of all communications: the seal of the confessional is maintained with cutting edge encryption.
Social sharing features, so you can evangelize!
Discreet billing: your faith is personal, and our payments are too.
We hope that these new features make it easier for you to connect with your flock in this challenging time.
Bless you,
Floyd and Bethany Fitzpatrick
April 8, 2020
To: Users
From: admin@heaven.ly
Subject: To our many new users: bless you all!
Hello, fellow faithful!
Wow! What a reaction!
Ever since we opened up our pro accounts to all users, we’ve seen an explosion of prayerful usage. Preachers are streaming at all hours of the day and night, all around the world! Small churches, large churches, congregations from all walks of life are using Heavenly constantly!
Like the loaves and fishes, the number of users on the site have surged miraculously! Our son, Darren, tells us that we received some very nice writeups online, so thank you for that; we welcome all faiths, from the Baptists we know to the Fetish that we’re just hearing about now.
(Bethany thinks her college roommate was Fetish, but I reminded her that Sandy was Lutheran -- LOL)
We’re so happy Heavenly has processed tens of millions of dollars in Tithes to independent preachers in the past several days alone, much higher than the $400,000 we processed in all of January. Our high definition unlimited 4K video streaming has attracted millions of viewers per hour from around the world. It’s a miracle our servers are handling all this prayer!
We don’t know where you’re from, but we feel so very blessed you’re here. We’d love to hear more about you, how your faithful found us, and how we can best serve you.
Bless you,
Floyd and Bethany Fitzpatrick
April 9, 2020
To: Users
From: admin@heaven.ly
Subject: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PERVERTS
That’s not what this site is for! That’s not what any of this is for!
Shame! Shame on all of you! Bethany is apoplectic right now! We built Heaven.ly to serve the Church, not to be some sort of libidinous Gomorrah! How is any of this allowed online?!!! It’s INDECENT.
I am trying to remember the password and I am going to stop this! I called RCN.
You should all be ashamed,
Bless you,
Floyd and Bethany Fitzpatrick
April 11, 2020
To: Users
From: donotreply@heaven.ly
Subject: Heavenly is now part of the MindGeek family
Dear Users,
When my father started this company, he had a vision: clean, crisp video quality, easy payments, and ways to bring people together. His vision was for a church, but it’s clear to me that we need to look broader.
That’s why I’m excited to announce that Heaven.ly has sold for $4.2 billion to MindGeek, a pioneer in digital delivery and entertainment for adults.
We’re so proud of the platform you’ve come together to build.
Bless You,
Darren Fitzpatrick
CEO, Spunk.biz (previously Heaven.ly)
Decameron is a newsletter recounting the 14th Century set of quarantine tales for 2020. Read the original story.
Tell your friends!