Decameron: The Barconi Way [VI/6]
Son, I think… the time may have come. You’re finally old enough. I can finally explain something important… something you may have wondered about for a long time. You see, our family — the Barconi family — aren’t like other families. We’re different from every other family in the world. We’re older than them, nobler than them, and just straight up better than them. Because we... were God’s first try.
Here’s what I mean by that, son. Remember in first grade, when Mrs. Scalza called us into the office because you were being too loud in class? Remember how we yelled right back at her? Being loud is the Barconi way. When God made us, He hadn’t quite figured out volume yet. We only operate at the one volume that existed at the time of our Creation: very, very loud.
Remember last summer, when you got in trouble at the pool for shoving the other kids in when they weren’t looking? Remember how I shoved the lifeguard in and we were banned from ever going back to the pool again? God ran a little more old school when He made us. Barconis don’t back away from a fight because we play by a different set of rules. Conflict mediation? Peaceful resolution? Those were things God introduced later down the line.
Remember when our neighbors made that fuss about us parking on their lawn? Remember how they said they’d asked us not to do that eight separate times? Maybe they did. But when God made the Barconis, there weren’t any other people to listen to. We were the first. Why hear and care about what other people say when other people don’t exist? This is what happens when you’re God’s #1.
Now, son, as a Barconi, you’re going to be exposed to a lot of jealousy. You’re going to have to interact with other people who are envious that you’re one of the OG crew. These people — who would do anything to be a Barconi — will tell you that you shouldn’t scream, shouldn’t shove, that you should listen to what other people have to say and try your best to be conscientious and considerate. But that’s just the talk of the Later Attempts. People made after God pretty much sorted everything out. They’re not rare and special like us. They’re not much of anything at all.
I want you to internalize what I’m telling you. I want you to know that it’s not wrong to be the way you are. When you feel bad for being different, I want you to remember exactly what I said to you this day.
And now I want you to repeat exactly what I just said to you to the towing company. They’ve got our car, and I want you to yell at them until they give it back. I’d go myself, of course, if I weren’t still under house arrest for that lifeguard assault.
Decameron is a newsletter recounting the 14th Century set of quarantine tales for 2020. Read the original story.
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