Decameron: Man of Action [VIII/3]
Calandrino in: The Cave of Mugnone
ENTRANCE: Our intrepid hero, Calandrino, wears loose but tough canvas khaki pants as he steps out of the jungle and into a tunnel lit by sputtering torches. His shirt lies open, exposing a tawny, toned, hairless chest. His hat, with its wide brim jogging up to one side at a jaunty angle, keeps the sun from his eyes, but allows the light to catch a charming glint in his eye whenever he glances up from his work. His smile could threaten or charm, depending on who he points it at. He is festooned with knives, compasses, hammers, sacred fetishes, teeth of various animals, and mysterious pieces of unnamed equipment that have served him well in a tight spot.
He is, in other words, a MAN OF ACTION.
CUT TO: Calandrino and his three companions turn a corner through a narrow tunnel and step into the CAVE OF MUGNONE.
Calandrino: After weeks of travel, we have finally found the Cave of Mugnone! Now armed with the rare Heliotrope stone we’ll surely find here, we can cure the town of the terrible plague that’s haunted it for these last 2 years.
Bruno: I knew you could do it, Cal!
Buffalmacco: Nobody else believed you, but we actually found it!
Steph: Again, heliotrope is just a type of quartz. We should have listened to the doctors and spent our time getting the new antibiotics to the town from the storehouse in the city.
Calandrino: Nonsense! For all we know, those antibiotics would have proven just as ineffective as the last batch. I may not be an epidemiologist, but hours of opinion pieces from OAN tells me that this stone is the cure for the plague. With the Heliotrope at our side, we can be rid of this scourge once and for all.
Calandrino strikes a heroic pose, the light of the torches casting rugged shadows across his chiseled abs. The group stares at Calandrino for several moments, waiting for him to move.
Bruno: (looking at the top of a pile of rubble, studded with glints of reflecting light) Hey Cal! I think I’ve there’s something up there!
Calandrino: Good eye, Bruno! It must be the source of the Heliotrope!
Steph: As a geologist, I can confidently tell you that this is slag. Waste glass. Clearly this building just burnt down and melted its own innards. I’m guessing this is just an abandoned factory that happens to be where you thought the Heliotrope was?
Calandrino: I may not be a geologist, but hours of research on Wikipedia tells me that this is the right spot.
Bruno: Well, we’re already here! Let’s get the Heliotrope and leave this place to get home to a proper heroes’ welcome.
Buffalmacco: I’ll get it! My lightning-quick reflexes should help me get to the top of the pile and grab the heliotrope. Once we get back, we can go out and get tacos!
Steph: COMMON SENSE SHOULD TELL YOU - DON’T RUN UP THE PILE OF UNSTABLE RUBBLE.
Calandrino: I may not be a structural engineer, but hours of constructing elaborate models on Minecraft tells me that this is structurally sound.
Buffulmacco darts up the precarious pile of rock, as small pieces spray out from beneath his feet. He nimbly jumps from rock to rock - until he reaches the top, and the side of the pile gives way from under his feet. He screams as he falls through the rubble then impales himself on a jutting piece of rebar. A large rock tumbles to Caladrino’s feet.
Calandrino: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bruno: Buffalmacco! Get up buddy!
Steph shakes her head sadly.
Calandrino: You brave, brave soul. But what’s this? The Heliotrope from the top of the mound? Your sacrifice was not in vain.
Calandrino picks up the rock and places it in a large satchel at his side. With a heavy sigh, he takes off his hat and rests it over the face of his fallen friend.
Calandrino: Sweet dreams, my prince. We will eat tacos in your honor.
With heavy hearts, our hero and his remaining companions leave the cave to return home with the cure. ANOTHER JOB WELL DONE.
Decameron is a newsletter recounting the 14th Century set of quarantine tales for 2020. Read the original story.
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