Decameron: Wink Wink Nudge Nudge [VIII/6]
CALANDRINO
I’m telling you guys, I didn’t steal my wife’s iPad!
BRUNO
Yeah, yeah, we know-- you “didn’t” steal your wife’s iPad.
BUFFALMACCO
Sure, buddy, sure. You didn’t “steal” your wife’s iPad.
BRUNO
(Slapping CALANDRINO on the back) When we suggested this yesterday, I didn’t think you’d take us up on it so quickly, Mr. “Didn’t Steal My Wife’s iPad.”
BUFFALMACCO
(Elbowing CALANDRINO in the ribs) Personally didn’t think you had it in you to “not steal your Wife’s iPad.” You’re a true chad.
BRUNO
I told you, though! Remember, Buffalmacco? He was showing us off this nice new iPad yesterday and I was all like this guy is definitely going to “not steal” this iPad from himself and sell it on eBay for cash.
BUFFALMACCO
You did! But at the time I was like, “There’s no way he’s going to do that with his wife’s iPad.”
CALANDRINO
I’m telling you, I di—
BRUNO
You “didn’t steal your wife’s iPad.” We know, we know. (Winks exaggeratedly.)
BUFFALMACCO
Total chad. You really want people to know you “didn’t” pull it off, huh?
BRUNO
So what’d you do with the cash, buddy? Or have you not spent it yet?
BUFFALMACCO
I happen to know you can get some pretty nice stuff with that money. I got these shoes this morning for about half the sale price on eBay of an iPad.
BRUNO
I also happen to know, just by coincidence, that you can get about eight games on Steam for about half the sales price of an iPad on eBay.
BUFFALMACCO
Look, look. You don’t have to listen to us on what to “not spend” the money you “definitely don’t have” on. But take our advice on this: If you actually, truly want people to think you didn’t steal your wife’s iPad, you’ve got to stop being so obvious about it.
BRUNO
For real, man. Nobody’s going to believe you if you keep this up.
BUFFALMACCO
You trusted us enough to let us stay in your house, just one unlocked door away from where you kept your wife’s iPad. Trust us on this.
CALANDRINO
God, she’s going to kill me.
Decameron is a newsletter recounting the 14th Century set of quarantine tales for 2020. Read the original story.
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